His name is Lucas because he truly has been the light of my life 💛

"Sorry, there's no sign of pregnancy." Six simple words strung together in the most earth shattering sentence I have ever heard.  The air around me is suddenly too thick and I find myself unable to breathe.  I watch as the tech throws the photo away.  Right there in front of me.  And it hits me like a ton of bricks. My baby is gone. I am unable to breathe but I realize it's my panic level increasing exponentially.  I am on the verge of a full blown panic attack.  The walls start closing in and I suddenly feel like a prisoner.   Before I know it, a doctor is sitting in front of me telling me to make sure I "have a better night". Those words are burned into my brain.  She was rude and condescending  the entire time. Instead, I realize that I am no longer even there. Everything is in slow motion. I feel like I'm in a box. I am completely fixated on the fact that I'm going to have to call the clinic and tell them that there's no point for the ultrasound I had the next week. I just had one and there was nothing but a blank space but the image is forever burned into my mind.  My baby has died and that image is all I will ever have.

Those 6 words marked the beginning of the single, hardest journey I have ever been on. No one prepares you for the emotional toll that pregnancy loss takes on you.

The physical healing took 5 weeks. The emotional healing takes.....well, I will let you know when I get there.  A common misconception about grief is that there are 5 steps and then you move on.  Grief is not linear. Some days are easier than others. And some days I plaster a smile on my face and fake it. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about how far along I'd be. Eventually, after my due date passes, it will change to how old my baby would be. But there will never be a day that I don't think about my angel baby.  I never made it far enough to know my baby's gender. Something in my heart tells me it was a boy. I named him Lucas as he is and will always be the light of my life. 💙

Miscarriage, pregnancy and infant loss are often subjects no one wants to talk about. They are hard subjects that remind a lot of people of their worst fears. But with a statistic like 1 in 4, more than likely someone you know has gone or will go through this.  The best way to help is simply be there for them on their terms. If that means sitting silently while they scream or cry, do it. If it means giving them hugs whenever the need it, do it. If they open up to you about their struggles, listen with your heart. Please don't try to make them feel better by saying things like "At least it was early", "At least you didn't know them" or my all time favorite "At least you're young, it wasn't meant to be". Pretty much any statement that carries the phrase "at least" should be disregarded as it only serves to isolate the woman and make her feel like her feelings are unjustified.  To her, that baby was her baby that she will never get to meet. She didn't just lose a baby, she lost an entire future.  She lost her baby's first Christmas, first birthday, first days of school. And now she's watching all her friends grow sweet babies at the same time she was supposed to be..

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. To modify Dr. Suess, a baby is a baby no matter how small.  This October, let's remember all the babies gone from this world too soon.

Angel baby 💔

It's been a while since I've written a blog post. And today I'm sharing a very personal story... 

In early March I took an at home pregnancy test and it came up positive. So like any other 19 year old that has no idea what they're doing with they're life or what tomorrow was supposed to hold I took another, then another and then I went to the clinic and did one more just to be sure. After I was pretty certain that there was no way that all of the test could be wrong reality set. There was a life growing inside of me. I was terrified. I was excited. I was sad but I was also happy. I'm the girl who has always dreamed of a huge family. It definitely was not planned but it was happening. I didn't know what I was going to do. The days went on as I told a few very close friends and got very different reactions. I started to think about all the amazing things this meant. "I get to be a mom" my first initial thought. I was going to be responsible for another human being for the rest of my life. I was going to have someone call me mom. I was going to be up at all hours of the night and be restless. I was going to get fat, crave crazy food, cry for no reason at all and I was going to love every single second of it. I had an entire plan mapped out. I was so excited. Then on March 23 me and my family headed out of state to go say our goodbyes to my grandfather. The entire ride up I had this terrible gut feeling that something bad was going to lose my baby. No matter what I did I just couldn't shake the thought. I felt that I was going to be too devastated and get too upset and emotional about my grandather passing and it would cause me to lose my baby. The next day(March 24) I woke up to some pretty intense cramps and I just knew, my baby was gone. I went to the restroom and I was bleeding. I couldn't believe that I thought myself into a miscarriage. I bled and I cried & then I cried and I bled. Finally my sister made me go to the hospital where they did both an internal and external ultrasound along with a urine pregnancy test. They told me everything came back negative and there was no sign of a pregnancy. At that moment I felt everything in me completely shatter. I was no longer going to be someones mom. I didnt get the chance to get fat, have crazy cravings, feel my baby move inside of me. Every hope, dream or wish that I had was gone. Just that fast. I distanced myself from everyone for the next 5 days because I just didn't know how else to handle it. When we finally got back in state and home I  didn't leave my bed for 2 1/2 weeks. I couldn't eat, I couldn't think, I truthfully could not function. I couldn't help but blame myself. Why did I have to think so negatively? Why didn't I prevent it? How come I didn't get to keep him? Why? Why not me? What did I do to deserve this pain? Why was my child not allowed to meet me? Why? Why? Why? I can say that it has been exactly 4 weeks and I still blame  myself every single day. I still cry every single day and I'm sure I will for the rest of time. I know deep down that it wasn't my fault. That these things happen so often and that sometimes it just wasn't meant to be and thats the only explanation Ill ever get. I named my baby. Although I clearly did not know if my baby was a boy or a girl. Although I wasn't far along at all  Although someone told me it was stupid of me. I named him. Why? Because the second I found out I was pregnant I had a feeling my baby would have been a boy and I also felt as if my child had a right to be something more than an "it". His name was Lucas Alexxander Combs. I loved him with every ounce of me. I am a mother. I am a mother to a beautiful angel baby who is with me every day even if it's not in the way I wanted or presumed. Mommy & daddy love you with all their heart Lucas and we always will.

mentally fucked

you see things in a different perspective once you get older. you've been living with your disease for so long that you just have always felt different. your friends go out. They party.  They drink. they smoke. they do the typical things your supposed to do as a teenager. and then there's you. you'd rather sit home and watch tv. You would rather be alone and regret it and go out in fear of having an anxiety attack or an emotional break down in front of people. You know there's no point in going to a party because you're just gonna be standing in the corner by yourself because you can't build the courage to talk to people you don't know. you can't be around more than 3-5 people without feeling as if everyone of them are judging you just because you're judging yourself so hard. You want to blame your friends for not inviting you but you're the one that tells them time and time again that there's just to point. you want to be included but you end up always feeling excluded. you're not alone in that feeling. you may be alone in the sense that you're not out partying but I promise you're not alone because there's at least a handful of people sitting in their bed crying for the same reason. I promise you here & now that you are strong. You will go out one day. You will be able to party, go to clubs, and you will be able to live without the fear. ONE DAY you will. 

The Power Question

I will never forget this question not only because it came from someone who has nothing but love for me but because it actually made me think... 

  

 "Why do you always allow people to become close to you, and to make a place in your heart who don't deserve the amount of effort and love that you put into them?"

"It's because I'm a fixer & I believe that if I can at one point in time no matter how long it may take if I can get them to love me with that same amount and that exact much effort that I've done something right and will feel worthy and needed. The little I love yous from those people mean that all the time is worth it. I have their love. And with everyday that passes maybe theirs is growing to be where mine is."

Be Different

To be okay is all one ever really wants, but a lot of the time most never get to be. Do you know how much sadness one goes through on a day to day bases? Have you ever picked on someone? Have you ever said something to someone that could in some way make them feel as is they aren't good enough? Who are you to say that someone is too skinny? Who are you to say that someone is too fat? Too tall? Too short? Who are you? You are no better than the one standing next to you. At the end of the day we all bleed the same. We're all just human. You say that "you didn't mean it" but is that because you're full of regret now? Isn't it true that in that moment when those insulting word came out of your mouth you meant every single one? It's it true that when you punched that kid you did it just to "look cool"? Do you want to walk around responsible for someone else's sadness? The pain that such little things can cause. Today is the day you can change. Just because you have said some hurtful things in the past does not mean you can't change it now. Reach out. If you think someone is hurting HELP THEM! I promised you an "Are you okay?" can go a long way with someone who is in pain. Stop being a part of the problem and start being a part of the solution. Stop hurting and start helping. It can all start with you. We live in a world when everyone is following someone else. Be the leader that shows compassion. Be the leader that is there when no one else seems to be. Lead yourself in the right direction and you'll see those around you start to change as well. It can all start with you only if you'd let it. There is nothing okay about making someone feel worthless just so you can feel worth it. If we as a unit don't change our ways things will never be the same, things will only get worse. Be different. 

Words I feel like I can't say to you..

I'm in love with you. Well at least I think I am. What do you call it when all everytime someone brings up your name I blush and smile from ear to ear. When I got the text that you had been in a car accident and were in the hospital it took 10 different people to keep me from driving home to see you. I cried all day until I got the "I need a blunt" text from you and cried my eyes out at that as well.  I think about you all day every single day. You still to this day give me the biggest most amazing butterflies. There's no one I'd rather say I'm in love with than you. Yet I'd love to say you love me back. I would give anything just for you to feel all that I feel for you. Just for one day. The thing is you wouldn't be able to handle it. You wouldn't be able to love me the way I love you and still just sit back and listen to me talk about other dudes. You wouldn't be able to sit back and not get jealous if some random ass dude was on my social media. You wouldn't be able to hold your tongue and tell me that I would find the right one and that there is someone who will love me unconditionally. Why? Because it secretly would be eating you from the inside out because you just want to scream at me  "I am the right one" "I love you for who you are. As you are." "I love your past. I love you now. And I'll still love you in the future." You wouldn't be able to sit back and listen to me talk about how I fucked this bitch or was fucking with this dude but then he had a girlfriend then just shrug it off with "lol that's not my problem." You wouldn't be able to handle the disrespect. You know how I know that? Because I'm a pretty strong ass person and I can't handle it anymore. I'm over it. I'm over being head over heels for someone who can't be for me. I'm over wanting you and you not wanting me. I'm over stressing when I don't get an I love you back. I'm over worrying everytime you go out if I'm going to have to listen to another story and how you got ficked up & did stupid shot with another nasty bitch. I'm over being jealous of irrelevant ass girls because I want all your attention. I'm over wanting to beat any bitches ass that comes in contact with you. Im over feeling like I need your attention and when I don't get it I end up being disappointed. I'm over feeling insecure like there's something wrong with me because you can never publicly tell me you love me yet you swear that you do. I'm over feeling less because you don't see or refuse to acknowledge how strong my feeling are for you. But see though let me clarify that I don't want you to think I'm mad. I don't want you to think I blame you for not being able to love me in the same way because I really don't. I just need you to know how I feel. I need you to see things from where I'm at. I want you to understand that everytime I look up at the sky and see all the stars I think of home and when I think of home I think of you. Or everytime I go out on a dock I think of home so I think of you. All the times a certain country song comes on I think of home so I think of you. Everytime someone brings up home you're what I think of that's how important you are to me. You're my number one priority and that has to change because I'm not yours. I love you too much to lose you but I love myself too much to keep up this battle between heart & mind. My heart is saying to never give up and maybe one day your love will get to where mine is. And my mind is telling me I'm being stupid not because you're incapeable of that kind of love but because it's not possible for you to have that kind of love towards me. I love you & that's never going to change but something has to. 

THIS is depression

"Depressed has become a word that floats out of someone's mouth in such easy context. Do you even known depression is? Depression is when you don't feel anything thing at all and you are completely numb to feelings. But depression is also feeling absolutely everything at once. You feel hopeless. You feel worthless. You couldn't feel more unwanted. You don't just want to live in you bed, under the blankets, in the dark but you want to sleep. Because sleep means nothing matters. But wait with depression you're never going to get sleep. You're going to be up all night over thinking and trying to understand why you feel so hollow and so sad. Wondering why everyone seems to hate you. What is your purpose of being here if you're only going to feel so terrible. Depression is scary. Depression can/will destroy you. Depression is an everlasting feeling. Depression never leaves you. You may have some lighter day, but depression is always on your shoulder. Unlike sadness. Sadness is that feeling you get when something happens. When you're upset. Depression is mistaken for sadness, anger, confusion daily. You may have spans of sadness that last a week but that does not mean you have depression. Depression and sadness have total different life affects might be time to have it known so they aren't made the same anymore."