Words I feel like I can't say to you..

I'm in love with you. Well at least I think I am. What do you call it when all everytime someone brings up your name I blush and smile from ear to ear. When I got the text that you had been in a car accident and were in the hospital it took 10 different people to keep me from driving home to see you. I cried all day until I got the "I need a blunt" text from you and cried my eyes out at that as well.  I think about you all day every single day. You still to this day give me the biggest most amazing butterflies. There's no one I'd rather say I'm in love with than you. Yet I'd love to say you love me back. I would give anything just for you to feel all that I feel for you. Just for one day. The thing is you wouldn't be able to handle it. You wouldn't be able to love me the way I love you and still just sit back and listen to me talk about other dudes. You wouldn't be able to sit back and not get jealous if some random ass dude was on my social media. You wouldn't be able to hold your tongue and tell me that I would find the right one and that there is someone who will love me unconditionally. Why? Because it secretly would be eating you from the inside out because you just want to scream at me  "I am the right one" "I love you for who you are. As you are." "I love your past. I love you now. And I'll still love you in the future." You wouldn't be able to sit back and listen to me talk about how I fucked this bitch or was fucking with this dude but then he had a girlfriend then just shrug it off with "lol that's not my problem." You wouldn't be able to handle the disrespect. You know how I know that? Because I'm a pretty strong ass person and I can't handle it anymore. I'm over it. I'm over being head over heels for someone who can't be for me. I'm over wanting you and you not wanting me. I'm over stressing when I don't get an I love you back. I'm over worrying everytime you go out if I'm going to have to listen to another story and how you got ficked up & did stupid shot with another nasty bitch. I'm over being jealous of irrelevant ass girls because I want all your attention. I'm over wanting to beat any bitches ass that comes in contact with you. Im over feeling like I need your attention and when I don't get it I end up being disappointed. I'm over feeling insecure like there's something wrong with me because you can never publicly tell me you love me yet you swear that you do. I'm over feeling less because you don't see or refuse to acknowledge how strong my feeling are for you. But see though let me clarify that I don't want you to think I'm mad. I don't want you to think I blame you for not being able to love me in the same way because I really don't. I just need you to know how I feel. I need you to see things from where I'm at. I want you to understand that everytime I look up at the sky and see all the stars I think of home and when I think of home I think of you. Or everytime I go out on a dock I think of home so I think of you. All the times a certain country song comes on I think of home so I think of you. Everytime someone brings up home you're what I think of that's how important you are to me. You're my number one priority and that has to change because I'm not yours. I love you too much to lose you but I love myself too much to keep up this battle between heart & mind. My heart is saying to never give up and maybe one day your love will get to where mine is. And my mind is telling me I'm being stupid not because you're incapeable of that kind of love but because it's not possible for you to have that kind of love towards me. I love you & that's never going to change but something has to. 

THIS is depression

"Depressed has become a word that floats out of someone's mouth in such easy context. Do you even known depression is? Depression is when you don't feel anything thing at all and you are completely numb to feelings. But depression is also feeling absolutely everything at once. You feel hopeless. You feel worthless. You couldn't feel more unwanted. You don't just want to live in you bed, under the blankets, in the dark but you want to sleep. Because sleep means nothing matters. But wait with depression you're never going to get sleep. You're going to be up all night over thinking and trying to understand why you feel so hollow and so sad. Wondering why everyone seems to hate you. What is your purpose of being here if you're only going to feel so terrible. Depression is scary. Depression can/will destroy you. Depression is an everlasting feeling. Depression never leaves you. You may have some lighter day, but depression is always on your shoulder. Unlike sadness. Sadness is that feeling you get when something happens. When you're upset. Depression is mistaken for sadness, anger, confusion daily. You may have spans of sadness that last a week but that does not mean you have depression. Depression and sadness have total different life affects might be time to have it known so they aren't made the same anymore."

Love but never lose.

Love to me has nothing to do with how long you're with someone. If you're in a relationship. Or even if you're just friends. You can love everything about someone and yet be so irrelevant to them. Have you ever had that one person.. The one you no matter how hard you try can never get off your mind. That one person that even if it's been a day or maybe even a week the simple words "I love you" from them can just make everything happy. The one that know what to say to give you the little belly butterflies you got when they first came into your life. The one that you want to be around constantly and even when you're sick of them you still miss them. That one person you can say you hate over and over, time and time again but you and everyone else know that it's untrue because your love for them is stronger than hate you have over the little stupid things they do. Love everything about this one person because it makes you happy. Never stop loving someone just because others may not agree. But never forget that in loving this person give all of yourself but never lose yourself.