His name is Lucas because he truly has been the light of my life 💛

"Sorry, there's no sign of pregnancy." Six simple words strung together in the most earth shattering sentence I have ever heard.  The air around me is suddenly too thick and I find myself unable to breathe.  I watch as the tech throws the photo away.  Right there in front of me.  And it hits me like a ton of bricks. My baby is gone. I am unable to breathe but I realize it's my panic level increasing exponentially.  I am on the verge of a full blown panic attack.  The walls start closing in and I suddenly feel like a prisoner.   Before I know it, a doctor is sitting in front of me telling me to make sure I "have a better night". Those words are burned into my brain.  She was rude and condescending  the entire time. Instead, I realize that I am no longer even there. Everything is in slow motion. I feel like I'm in a box. I am completely fixated on the fact that I'm going to have to call the clinic and tell them that there's no point for the ultrasound I had the next week. I just had one and there was nothing but a blank space but the image is forever burned into my mind.  My baby has died and that image is all I will ever have.

Those 6 words marked the beginning of the single, hardest journey I have ever been on. No one prepares you for the emotional toll that pregnancy loss takes on you.

The physical healing took 5 weeks. The emotional healing takes.....well, I will let you know when I get there.  A common misconception about grief is that there are 5 steps and then you move on.  Grief is not linear. Some days are easier than others. And some days I plaster a smile on my face and fake it. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about how far along I'd be. Eventually, after my due date passes, it will change to how old my baby would be. But there will never be a day that I don't think about my angel baby.  I never made it far enough to know my baby's gender. Something in my heart tells me it was a boy. I named him Lucas as he is and will always be the light of my life. 💙

Miscarriage, pregnancy and infant loss are often subjects no one wants to talk about. They are hard subjects that remind a lot of people of their worst fears. But with a statistic like 1 in 4, more than likely someone you know has gone or will go through this.  The best way to help is simply be there for them on their terms. If that means sitting silently while they scream or cry, do it. If it means giving them hugs whenever the need it, do it. If they open up to you about their struggles, listen with your heart. Please don't try to make them feel better by saying things like "At least it was early", "At least you didn't know them" or my all time favorite "At least you're young, it wasn't meant to be". Pretty much any statement that carries the phrase "at least" should be disregarded as it only serves to isolate the woman and make her feel like her feelings are unjustified.  To her, that baby was her baby that she will never get to meet. She didn't just lose a baby, she lost an entire future.  She lost her baby's first Christmas, first birthday, first days of school. And now she's watching all her friends grow sweet babies at the same time she was supposed to be..

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. To modify Dr. Suess, a baby is a baby no matter how small.  This October, let's remember all the babies gone from this world too soon.

Angel baby 💔

It's been a while since I've written a blog post. And today I'm sharing a very personal story... 

In early March I took an at home pregnancy test and it came up positive. So like any other 19 year old that has no idea what they're doing with they're life or what tomorrow was supposed to hold I took another, then another and then I went to the clinic and did one more just to be sure. After I was pretty certain that there was no way that all of the test could be wrong reality set. There was a life growing inside of me. I was terrified. I was excited. I was sad but I was also happy. I'm the girl who has always dreamed of a huge family. It definitely was not planned but it was happening. I didn't know what I was going to do. The days went on as I told a few very close friends and got very different reactions. I started to think about all the amazing things this meant. "I get to be a mom" my first initial thought. I was going to be responsible for another human being for the rest of my life. I was going to have someone call me mom. I was going to be up at all hours of the night and be restless. I was going to get fat, crave crazy food, cry for no reason at all and I was going to love every single second of it. I had an entire plan mapped out. I was so excited. Then on March 23 me and my family headed out of state to go say our goodbyes to my grandfather. The entire ride up I had this terrible gut feeling that something bad was going to lose my baby. No matter what I did I just couldn't shake the thought. I felt that I was going to be too devastated and get too upset and emotional about my grandather passing and it would cause me to lose my baby. The next day(March 24) I woke up to some pretty intense cramps and I just knew, my baby was gone. I went to the restroom and I was bleeding. I couldn't believe that I thought myself into a miscarriage. I bled and I cried & then I cried and I bled. Finally my sister made me go to the hospital where they did both an internal and external ultrasound along with a urine pregnancy test. They told me everything came back negative and there was no sign of a pregnancy. At that moment I felt everything in me completely shatter. I was no longer going to be someones mom. I didnt get the chance to get fat, have crazy cravings, feel my baby move inside of me. Every hope, dream or wish that I had was gone. Just that fast. I distanced myself from everyone for the next 5 days because I just didn't know how else to handle it. When we finally got back in state and home I  didn't leave my bed for 2 1/2 weeks. I couldn't eat, I couldn't think, I truthfully could not function. I couldn't help but blame myself. Why did I have to think so negatively? Why didn't I prevent it? How come I didn't get to keep him? Why? Why not me? What did I do to deserve this pain? Why was my child not allowed to meet me? Why? Why? Why? I can say that it has been exactly 4 weeks and I still blame  myself every single day. I still cry every single day and I'm sure I will for the rest of time. I know deep down that it wasn't my fault. That these things happen so often and that sometimes it just wasn't meant to be and thats the only explanation Ill ever get. I named my baby. Although I clearly did not know if my baby was a boy or a girl. Although I wasn't far along at all  Although someone told me it was stupid of me. I named him. Why? Because the second I found out I was pregnant I had a feeling my baby would have been a boy and I also felt as if my child had a right to be something more than an "it". His name was Lucas Alexxander Combs. I loved him with every ounce of me. I am a mother. I am a mother to a beautiful angel baby who is with me every day even if it's not in the way I wanted or presumed. Mommy & daddy love you with all their heart Lucas and we always will.