mentally fucked

you see things in a different perspective once you get older. you've been living with your disease for so long that you just have always felt different. your friends go out. They party.  They drink. they smoke. they do the typical things your supposed to do as a teenager. and then there's you. you'd rather sit home and watch tv. You would rather be alone and regret it and go out in fear of having an anxiety attack or an emotional break down in front of people. You know there's no point in going to a party because you're just gonna be standing in the corner by yourself because you can't build the courage to talk to people you don't know. you can't be around more than 3-5 people without feeling as if everyone of them are judging you just because you're judging yourself so hard. You want to blame your friends for not inviting you but you're the one that tells them time and time again that there's just to point. you want to be included but you end up always feeling excluded. you're not alone in that feeling. you may be alone in the sense that you're not out partying but I promise you're not alone because there's at least a handful of people sitting in their bed crying for the same reason. I promise you here & now that you are strong. You will go out one day. You will be able to party, go to clubs, and you will be able to live without the fear. ONE DAY you will. 

The Power Question

I will never forget this question not only because it came from someone who has nothing but love for me but because it actually made me think... 

  

 "Why do you always allow people to become close to you, and to make a place in your heart who don't deserve the amount of effort and love that you put into them?"

"It's because I'm a fixer & I believe that if I can at one point in time no matter how long it may take if I can get them to love me with that same amount and that exact much effort that I've done something right and will feel worthy and needed. The little I love yous from those people mean that all the time is worth it. I have their love. And with everyday that passes maybe theirs is growing to be where mine is."

Be Different

To be okay is all one ever really wants, but a lot of the time most never get to be. Do you know how much sadness one goes through on a day to day bases? Have you ever picked on someone? Have you ever said something to someone that could in some way make them feel as is they aren't good enough? Who are you to say that someone is too skinny? Who are you to say that someone is too fat? Too tall? Too short? Who are you? You are no better than the one standing next to you. At the end of the day we all bleed the same. We're all just human. You say that "you didn't mean it" but is that because you're full of regret now? Isn't it true that in that moment when those insulting word came out of your mouth you meant every single one? It's it true that when you punched that kid you did it just to "look cool"? Do you want to walk around responsible for someone else's sadness? The pain that such little things can cause. Today is the day you can change. Just because you have said some hurtful things in the past does not mean you can't change it now. Reach out. If you think someone is hurting HELP THEM! I promised you an "Are you okay?" can go a long way with someone who is in pain. Stop being a part of the problem and start being a part of the solution. Stop hurting and start helping. It can all start with you. We live in a world when everyone is following someone else. Be the leader that shows compassion. Be the leader that is there when no one else seems to be. Lead yourself in the right direction and you'll see those around you start to change as well. It can all start with you only if you'd let it. There is nothing okay about making someone feel worthless just so you can feel worth it. If we as a unit don't change our ways things will never be the same, things will only get worse. Be different. 

Words I feel like I can't say to you..

I'm in love with you. Well at least I think I am. What do you call it when all everytime someone brings up your name I blush and smile from ear to ear. When I got the text that you had been in a car accident and were in the hospital it took 10 different people to keep me from driving home to see you. I cried all day until I got the "I need a blunt" text from you and cried my eyes out at that as well.  I think about you all day every single day. You still to this day give me the biggest most amazing butterflies. There's no one I'd rather say I'm in love with than you. Yet I'd love to say you love me back. I would give anything just for you to feel all that I feel for you. Just for one day. The thing is you wouldn't be able to handle it. You wouldn't be able to love me the way I love you and still just sit back and listen to me talk about other dudes. You wouldn't be able to sit back and not get jealous if some random ass dude was on my social media. You wouldn't be able to hold your tongue and tell me that I would find the right one and that there is someone who will love me unconditionally. Why? Because it secretly would be eating you from the inside out because you just want to scream at me  "I am the right one" "I love you for who you are. As you are." "I love your past. I love you now. And I'll still love you in the future." You wouldn't be able to sit back and listen to me talk about how I fucked this bitch or was fucking with this dude but then he had a girlfriend then just shrug it off with "lol that's not my problem." You wouldn't be able to handle the disrespect. You know how I know that? Because I'm a pretty strong ass person and I can't handle it anymore. I'm over it. I'm over being head over heels for someone who can't be for me. I'm over wanting you and you not wanting me. I'm over stressing when I don't get an I love you back. I'm over worrying everytime you go out if I'm going to have to listen to another story and how you got ficked up & did stupid shot with another nasty bitch. I'm over being jealous of irrelevant ass girls because I want all your attention. I'm over wanting to beat any bitches ass that comes in contact with you. Im over feeling like I need your attention and when I don't get it I end up being disappointed. I'm over feeling insecure like there's something wrong with me because you can never publicly tell me you love me yet you swear that you do. I'm over feeling less because you don't see or refuse to acknowledge how strong my feeling are for you. But see though let me clarify that I don't want you to think I'm mad. I don't want you to think I blame you for not being able to love me in the same way because I really don't. I just need you to know how I feel. I need you to see things from where I'm at. I want you to understand that everytime I look up at the sky and see all the stars I think of home and when I think of home I think of you. Or everytime I go out on a dock I think of home so I think of you. All the times a certain country song comes on I think of home so I think of you. Everytime someone brings up home you're what I think of that's how important you are to me. You're my number one priority and that has to change because I'm not yours. I love you too much to lose you but I love myself too much to keep up this battle between heart & mind. My heart is saying to never give up and maybe one day your love will get to where mine is. And my mind is telling me I'm being stupid not because you're incapeable of that kind of love but because it's not possible for you to have that kind of love towards me. I love you & that's never going to change but something has to. 

THIS is depression

"Depressed has become a word that floats out of someone's mouth in such easy context. Do you even known depression is? Depression is when you don't feel anything thing at all and you are completely numb to feelings. But depression is also feeling absolutely everything at once. You feel hopeless. You feel worthless. You couldn't feel more unwanted. You don't just want to live in you bed, under the blankets, in the dark but you want to sleep. Because sleep means nothing matters. But wait with depression you're never going to get sleep. You're going to be up all night over thinking and trying to understand why you feel so hollow and so sad. Wondering why everyone seems to hate you. What is your purpose of being here if you're only going to feel so terrible. Depression is scary. Depression can/will destroy you. Depression is an everlasting feeling. Depression never leaves you. You may have some lighter day, but depression is always on your shoulder. Unlike sadness. Sadness is that feeling you get when something happens. When you're upset. Depression is mistaken for sadness, anger, confusion daily. You may have spans of sadness that last a week but that does not mean you have depression. Depression and sadness have total different life affects might be time to have it known so they aren't made the same anymore."

Love but never lose.

Love to me has nothing to do with how long you're with someone. If you're in a relationship. Or even if you're just friends. You can love everything about someone and yet be so irrelevant to them. Have you ever had that one person.. The one you no matter how hard you try can never get off your mind. That one person that even if it's been a day or maybe even a week the simple words "I love you" from them can just make everything happy. The one that know what to say to give you the little belly butterflies you got when they first came into your life. The one that you want to be around constantly and even when you're sick of them you still miss them. That one person you can say you hate over and over, time and time again but you and everyone else know that it's untrue because your love for them is stronger than hate you have over the little stupid things they do. Love everything about this one person because it makes you happy. Never stop loving someone just because others may not agree. But never forget that in loving this person give all of yourself but never lose yourself. 

A letter to you in Heaven.

I just want to break down. I just want to curl in a ball and cry until I can't breath. But I refuse to do so. I will walk around with a smile on my face not for me but for you. I will wake up every morning looking forward to the day and feeling blessed for you. Because you didn't get one more morning. You didn't get one more time to say I love you. I'll do that for you. You didn't another chance to look at those in your life and bless them with your contagious smile so I'll do my best to do it justice. I have to go to your funeral, it's going to be so hard. I have to look all of my friend and your family in the face as I tell them "I'm so sorry" because it's the first thing that comes to mind when you're paying your respects. I have to hold back so many tears in fear of looking weak while trying to keep everyone else sting. But I promise to do it. You got taken from us. You were here a month ago and now I have to go to a headstone to be with you. It's not the same. It will never be the same, but I will do it. I will come see you every time I am home. Because I love you. Because you are special to my life. Because I want you to be just as proud of me while your in heaven as you were when you were here. I love you. I miss you more than words can describe. I know you're well taken care of and not in pain. I'm going to stay strong. I'm going to push on. For you. For you I will be the rock for everyone else. Until I see you again. 

It's time to start loving you.

Don't you think that it is finally time for you to look in the mirror and instead of picking out every little thing you can possible find wrong with your body you pick out three good things a day just to see how many you can come up with at the end of the week. When someone tells you that you are beautiful you not only accept the compliment, but you believe what they are saying. Instead of being self contentious to wear something because you "don't have enough to fill it out" or "you're too big to wear something like that" you wear it anyway just to make yourself feel good. We've all been at the point where we feel something or everything about us is just not enough. That is so far from the truth. Walking past someone and being judge is probably one of the hardest things you subconsciously deal with on a daily basis, right? How about instead of allowing that persons "she's too skinny" or "she's fat" or "ew she looks anorexic" or "lose weight" tear you down you take it with a smile on your face because I promise you your body is just as beautiful as the next girls. You see those stretch marks on your stomach, your thighs, your boobs, your back and even your butt? You think they're ugly, but they are just the opposite. Your stretch marks are you. They are a part of what makes you unique. Just because they're noticeable doesn't mean they need to be hidden. Know that the one and only opinion that matters is your own. If you feel and believe you're beautiful then so will those around you. Own your beauty. Own your extra weight. Own your chicken legs. Own those thunder thigh. You are beautiful. You are worthy. Most important of all you are ENOUGH. Never let anyone else's opinion or even sometimes your own opinion tell you differently. You are always beautiful.