"Sorry, there's no sign of pregnancy." Six simple words strung together in the most earth shattering sentence I have ever heard. The air around me is suddenly too thick and I find myself unable to breathe. I watch as the tech throws the photo away. Right there in front of me. And it hits me like a ton of bricks. My baby is gone. I am unable to breathe but I realize it's my panic level increasing exponentially. I am on the verge of a full blown panic attack. The walls start closing in and I suddenly feel like a prisoner. Before I know it, a doctor is sitting in front of me telling me to make sure I "have a better night". Those words are burned into my brain. She was rude and condescending the entire time. Instead, I realize that I am no longer even there. Everything is in slow motion. I feel like I'm in a box. I am completely fixated on the fact that I'm going to have to call the clinic and tell them that there's no point for the ultrasound I had the next week. I just had one and there was nothing but a blank space but the image is forever burned into my mind. My baby has died and that image is all I will ever have.
Those 6 words marked the beginning of the single, hardest journey I have ever been on. No one prepares you for the emotional toll that pregnancy loss takes on you.
The physical healing took 5 weeks. The emotional healing takes.....well, I will let you know when I get there. A common misconception about grief is that there are 5 steps and then you move on. Grief is not linear. Some days are easier than others. And some days I plaster a smile on my face and fake it. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about how far along I'd be. Eventually, after my due date passes, it will change to how old my baby would be. But there will never be a day that I don't think about my angel baby. I never made it far enough to know my baby's gender. Something in my heart tells me it was a boy. I named him Lucas as he is and will always be the light of my life. 💙
Miscarriage, pregnancy and infant loss are often subjects no one wants to talk about. They are hard subjects that remind a lot of people of their worst fears. But with a statistic like 1 in 4, more than likely someone you know has gone or will go through this. The best way to help is simply be there for them on their terms. If that means sitting silently while they scream or cry, do it. If it means giving them hugs whenever the need it, do it. If they open up to you about their struggles, listen with your heart. Please don't try to make them feel better by saying things like "At least it was early", "At least you didn't know them" or my all time favorite "At least you're young, it wasn't meant to be". Pretty much any statement that carries the phrase "at least" should be disregarded as it only serves to isolate the woman and make her feel like her feelings are unjustified. To her, that baby was her baby that she will never get to meet. She didn't just lose a baby, she lost an entire future. She lost her baby's first Christmas, first birthday, first days of school. And now she's watching all her friends grow sweet babies at the same time she was supposed to be..
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. To modify Dr. Suess, a baby is a baby no matter how small. This October, let's remember all the babies gone from this world too soon.
