It's been a while since I've written a blog post. And today I'm sharing a very personal story...
In early March I took an at home pregnancy test and it came up positive. So like any other 19 year old that has no idea what they're doing with they're life or what tomorrow was supposed to hold I took another, then another and then I went to the clinic and did one more just to be sure. After I was pretty certain that there was no way that all of the test could be wrong reality set. There was a life growing inside of me. I was terrified. I was excited. I was sad but I was also happy. I'm the girl who has always dreamed of a huge family. It definitely was not planned but it was happening. I didn't know what I was going to do. The days went on as I told a few very close friends and got very different reactions. I started to think about all the amazing things this meant. "I get to be a mom" my first initial thought. I was going to be responsible for another human being for the rest of my life. I was going to have someone call me mom. I was going to be up at all hours of the night and be restless. I was going to get fat, crave crazy food, cry for no reason at all and I was going to love every single second of it. I had an entire plan mapped out. I was so excited. Then on March 23 me and my family headed out of state to go say our goodbyes to my grandfather. The entire ride up I had this terrible gut feeling that something bad was going to lose my baby. No matter what I did I just couldn't shake the thought. I felt that I was going to be too devastated and get too upset and emotional about my grandather passing and it would cause me to lose my baby. The next day(March 24) I woke up to some pretty intense cramps and I just knew, my baby was gone. I went to the restroom and I was bleeding. I couldn't believe that I thought myself into a miscarriage. I bled and I cried & then I cried and I bled. Finally my sister made me go to the hospital where they did both an internal and external ultrasound along with a urine pregnancy test. They told me everything came back negative and there was no sign of a pregnancy. At that moment I felt everything in me completely shatter. I was no longer going to be someones mom. I didnt get the chance to get fat, have crazy cravings, feel my baby move inside of me. Every hope, dream or wish that I had was gone. Just that fast. I distanced myself from everyone for the next 5 days because I just didn't know how else to handle it. When we finally got back in state and home I didn't leave my bed for 2 1/2 weeks. I couldn't eat, I couldn't think, I truthfully could not function. I couldn't help but blame myself. Why did I have to think so negatively? Why didn't I prevent it? How come I didn't get to keep him? Why? Why not me? What did I do to deserve this pain? Why was my child not allowed to meet me? Why? Why? Why? I can say that it has been exactly 4 weeks and I still blame myself every single day. I still cry every single day and I'm sure I will for the rest of time. I know deep down that it wasn't my fault. That these things happen so often and that sometimes it just wasn't meant to be and thats the only explanation Ill ever get. I named my baby. Although I clearly did not know if my baby was a boy or a girl. Although I wasn't far along at all Although someone told me it was stupid of me. I named him. Why? Because the second I found out I was pregnant I had a feeling my baby would have been a boy and I also felt as if my child had a right to be something more than an "it". His name was Lucas Alexxander Combs. I loved him with every ounce of me. I am a mother. I am a mother to a beautiful angel baby who is with me every day even if it's not in the way I wanted or presumed. Mommy & daddy love you with all their heart Lucas and we always will.
